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[10 Jun 2005|02:02pm] |
i haven't updated in so long. this have been so good.
Its almost summer, i still have my horse, a job, and, now a boyfriend. Alex- He's amazing, SO much better than all the rest of the fucks i dated. makes me so happy.
Life. Is. Perfect<3
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[17 Mar 2005|12:35pm] |
Mmmkay, long time no up-date.Sorry.
So its been a year since i got suspened. Cource i couldn't get through March without talking to the cops or something happening around me. A kid got his ass beat down in homeroom yesterday morning. I got his blood on my pen. Whoo-Hoo
Im missing the person who i was before. Drugs, Guys, and everythihng else you weren't supposed to be. I miss the fact that i souldn't be doing what i was doing, it felt so good. God, id give anything to get the feeling of not really being able to walk down a hill after a night of smoking. And thinking you hear "Clocks" by Coldplay when there's no music. And falling asleep on say.... dan's shoulder in the car. Good times. God do i want to re-live them or what.
Well im gunna go and try and find that half eaten wedny's burger from yesterday... YUM.
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[20 Feb 2005|09:41am] |
okay, i haven't done a real update in SO long
Brasco's been good, haven't gotten much riding in with the weather the way it is. Can't wait till spring.
okay...
Friday i went to the mall with purple. We met up with Alyse, Pat, and Marli. Pat had made marli buy him a porcelin snail, named Hubert i think? Anyways, we were walking about, and met up with Tori and Dan Pond. We chilled with them in the food court. Marli got like 40 people to pat the snail, and pat carved tally marks in it with a key to count it. After that we went shopping, i had already bought sneakers, a shirt, and thongs.. so then i bought sum black stellito pumps. We met up with Bobby and Chris and me and purple went to pac sun with them, and bobby made her but a Jimmy Hendricks shirt. Then we left...
Saturday i went to work with purple. We did stalls, ate lunch, and cleaned out a storage room. We found this thing in there... Its white with three wheals, and a handle to push it by. So we grabbed a peice of wood and used it as a seat. We pushed each other around in it, WICKED FUN. Me and purple rolled down the hill in the road on it... Then it was getting dark and caila was out getting a movie, so we went over to chimawa golf cource. We went on the ice, and purple was like slipping around and stuff. There's these little paved bridges over the stream they have, and they're like arched. So we went to the top of the arch, then got pushed down, that was WICKED fun... there was gravel at the bottom so it stopped you before you got in the green... well... most of the time. It was dark by then so we went back. Caila then came over with me a purple back to the cource, and we slid on the ice. I ran and dove on it, but the top was all watery, so it looked like i peed myself, and purple did it to before i could tell her not to. then we went back to the bridge, and pushed each other down it... then we pushed each other down the other side, where these yellow poles with chanes were, to keep golf carts off the brigde, so that was scary, and there was ice on the bottom so you went sliding, so fun. We went back to the house, and named it the Cla, (said like claw) for Caila Liz Ashley. We wtched troy, then slept over, now im home.
so that was really bad grammar and all, but that's okay.
and i like someone ^.^ which makes me happy
tah tah for now... OH! Im going to florida on tuesday for a week, all by my self... it'll be my first time flying alone. Gimmeie a call... 508-243-0352, i'll answer if im not on a horse... leave a message, or e-mail me at lizw159@yahoo.com or loveblackeyesteel@yahoo.com
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[12 Feb 2005|08:09pm] |
if you read this,
even if i don't speak to you often,
you must post a memory of me.
it can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.
then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you....
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| so long a time so little to say |
[07 Jan 2005|07:09pm] |
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 chipper |
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well not much has happened recently. Sure there was Christmas, Vaca, and New Year's, but it was the same as it is every year. Alexa came up, in my oppinion she was different, but ashley says she isn't. I got the lease on Brasco<33333 Rode him, smoothe as a dream (his name is Heza Royal Dream, so that fits).
Every day after school, i go there, clean the stall, do his waters, feed, bring him in, groom, and put him in his stall and get the food ready for the next moring. I love going up in the hay loft cause you have to climb all around and its sooo fun! On the weekends i let him out in the morings too. I love the way he whinnies when i open the barn door, and takes my hat off my head, or un zips my coat.
He just got a new little friend, named Peanut Butter. He's this new little pony that this girl got for Christmas ( : . They put him out with Brasco and Champ, and Champ beats him up and picks on him, so Brasco became his friend. Peanut Butter fallows him everywhere, its so cute. i haven't ridden in a while, cause they onyl have an out door there, but oh well, i'll lunge tomorrow if i find the time.
There i go, on and on about that horse<3! but it makes me so happy to have something and someone that is always constant, a life that i have to take care of, a reason to get up in the morings.
Ashley got second in the science fair!!! she's going to regionals. Well, that's all i got for now, later!
oh, and im the treasure of 4-h now.... and i'm playing the Bad Whitch at Awards Night
((ps. my baby-pup's birthday is on the 13th, its her 10th! wish her happy b-day in a comment, and i'll print it out for her :-D))
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| BROSCO! |
[08 Dec 2004|02:28pm] |
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Why can't we be friends? -Sublime |
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( :
Well, a while back Chelsea gave my number to her cousin (her adult cousin) who was leasing or selling her horse. She picked me up yesterday for me to go look at him. Hes b-e-a-utiful! Big quarter horse, pretty color with a crooked blaze. His name's Brosco, and he's 8. She's gotta ledase him cause she has no time cause she just had a baby... Im just so happy!
Its a nice barn, an outdoor ring, and then miles and miles of trails. Brosco's wester tho, but Diane says he could easily go english. So i talked to my dad. He flipped out, yelled at me for like 5 minutes, then went in his room. Then my mom talked to him, and he's like.... how bout 3 months? Im like... heh heh, sure man.
So now i gotta horsey!!!
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| Good times and Bad times |
[05 Dec 2004|10:19am] |
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None, my comps a dildo |
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well i haven't updated in a while. lets get started..
The health of the White side of my family is declining. My nana broke her hip, then the day she went home, my grandpa went into the hospital for cellulosis (desseas of the deep tissue). They gave him an EKG, and found that he had had a freakin heart attack a couple of hours before that. So they kept him there. Then last monday, he got surgery. He had a valve replaced, and a bypas. The doctors are putting in a pace maker soon. My dad hasen't handled it well. He's been smoking a lot. The other night, he was coughing so bad in the bathroom i though i needed to call 911.. He was weezing so loud and coughing and it sounded so painful. He couldn't even answer me when i asked if he was okay.
I got my report card (finally). Good news, 80 in Algebra. Bad new: nuthing else was above a 64. Yah, parents aren't thrilled about that one. I've felt really depressed lately. I've been scaring myself, and almost cutting. Seams like this is something im going to have to deal with my whole life. I've been having trouble not crying. Its difficult. i cry myself to sleep everynight.
So i told all this to my shrink, Dr.Lum. He's a twat. Gave me prozak, cause its the only anti-depressant i haven't been on. In the last year i've been on 6 different mood stabelizers or anti-depressants. My seritonin level is out of wack. Proza is allright. Helps me sleep, makes me fidgety tho. I crewed a whole in my lip, so much that it bled a lot in my mouth, and now its just this huge white lump of scar tissue. Great.
I rode Avril on friday. Stupid horse. She's so nice until you ride her. She's got this thing for following other horses thats really annoying. I was jumping her and her idea of jumping is "oh, i'm supposed to pick my legs up.. no thanks" So i kept knocking the jump over. Finnally i just wacked her at the base and she jumped. Then i cantered her... I was nervous causei saw what she was doing when alyse was on her. But we cantered, and it was smooth and perfect. Then i stopped, enika made fun of me, and i cantered again. She threw a buck and took off, i sat up and pulled the hardest i could on her, but she jsut kept going.... STRAIGHT FOR BEN'S BUTT! i finally stopped her right before him. Right away she flung her head down, and itched her foot. That horse bucked me cause her foot was itchy!!!
Last night i went out to dinner. Me and my mum then left my dad at the resturant to watch the football game, and went to the outlets. My celiing was leaking on my bed, so i needed all new stuff cause it stained all of the stuff... and she gave me faveorite pillow to the dog. So we went shopping, saw my uncle steve and his girlfriend, who's really nice. I tried on a dress but it was weird. My dad said that if he gets his bonus in the spring, we're gunna expand ,my room by 11 feet!!!! golly! he best get his bonus. ( :
Well that's all i got for now. Lots of bad new this time around, sorry if its depressing.
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[25 Nov 2004|06:56pm] |
well not too much is up. had a half day yesterday, 2 hours of classes, then pep rally. i had confettie in my shirt and everything else.
came home, tessa and purple came over. that was cool.
um..
today's thanks giving. ate lots of food... im wicked bored lol, as you can see i have nuthing to do!
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[21 Nov 2004|04:21pm] |
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okay today was pretty fun. At 4H we've been learing about Arabians and all, and today we all went to horseshoe to judge. That was chill. We got alll these papers, and i was SO confused. Then came the Arabian in hand class. That's where you look at the horse, see if it has all the things an arabian is supposed, see it trot and walk, and deside who looks best. Then came pony in hand, same stuff. I was all proud cause i judged the same as the dude did.
So then there was a little break and i chilled (litterly, it was FREEZING and raning on me and my papers!). The large ponies started warming up and then it was time to judge them. Then all walked, trotted, and cantered. I got splashed by dylan ) : . The was this one horse, i think it was named Ducky, and it bucked and crap in the canter, LAST PLACE YOU YOU, MUAHAHA! ehm... then came trails.
Trails is a class that there's one one horse in the ring at a time. The horse and rider have to complete obsticles. Each obsticle is usuall worth about 10 points (sometimes 5). The rider has 3 tries on each obsticle, and the score for that part of the cource is reduced everytime. In this cource, the horses came in at walk, went to a pole, did a side-pass (which is like standing, and crossing your legs over the other and walking side-ways). Pretty much noone of the horses got that. Then they backed in a U. The went back... turned while they were stil backwards, and kept going till they got to the other side. When they get there, they are facing the other direction, and side pass that way.
After that, they trot over poles, then trot around cones in the cirtain order. Then they come to the bridge at a walk. the bridge is just a peice of wood on the ground (like a bridge) which they walk over. One of the horses, a cute cute arabian, did the funniest thing. She went to it, put her hoof down, then got scared at the noise it made. Her rider laughed and went for the secon attempt. She walked a little more... but then one fo her front feet slipped cause it was wet. She was totally pissed off after that, and everyone was laughing (her rider too). She went again, and pretty much did the thing sideways, lol. Everyone was like yaaay! Cause she was so cute. (she came in second for me).
To complete the cource, they had to canter down the long side. Most of the horses had no problem, excapt for one who didn't canter at all. They they halted for 5 seconds and finished with a loose rein. If you read that whole thing, lol, comment to me, cause that's cool.
Then came orals. I know, it sounds dirty. We just had to go to a judge in private (still souds dirty) and say why we placed the horses in the order that we did. I kinda got all B's and C's. oh well. After that, me and alyse had a lesson. BTW, there's this new, FUCKING HUGE horse named ben. yes. very big. So we had our lesson, my fucking leg KILLED and it still does, not my pain killers make me numb and i can';t feel anything. It was an okay lesson, but gambol's annoying. alyse and avril kept running in to things cause that's avrils thing. she like ran into the moounting block, even though alyse was doing everyhing she could tom ke her not. lol, kinda funny tho. Alyse like cut open her fingers on the reins. Ouch.... I cantered and jumped... but i felt like shit. Okay lesson i guess.
Okay, if you read all that- i love you
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[19 Nov 2004|02:50pm] |
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better than this- Longbeach Shortbus |
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YO YO boys and girls-haha, yah. so i'm kinda in a shit hole but im okay. I don't have anything wrong in life, so i'm just gunna be greateful for what i got.
We need sum postive vibes
For these rainy days
Let the sunlight in - brighten up your day <33muchlovetoKottonMouthKings
So yah, everything is actually great. Today is friday, the suns out, its just the right temperature. I'm just sick off all the hate, all the disgust. I'm sick of societies views on >me<>you<and>everyone< so i'm just gunna say screw that. I just gotta relax, not think to hard, mellow out.
And eat more veggie burgers
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[17 Nov 2004|08:20pm] |
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K's Choice- I'm not an Addict |
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well not much has happened lately.. felt like shit most of the time. I don't know why, all of a sudden i'll just feel like there's nothing to live for. i know im just being selfish and a bitch, but i can't stand it.
last night driving home from 4H, i just felt like i was gunna cry... i felt like i wasn't even there. then i went in my room and looked in the mirror and saw how ugly and fat and disgusting i am, no wonder i can't getta guy, and i just started crying like the bitch i am. i hate myself so much.
so there's my fucking sob-story
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[10 Nov 2004|11:28am] |
okay my computer is really really really fucked up and won't work all of a sudden, but i think im geting a new one this weekend.. so maybe i'll be able to up date after that. Not much has happened.... yah. I'm at purple's house. We just walked down to dunkin' donuts and got a dozen donuts and walked back here... and i have purple leapord print pants on. yah.
So taht was my messsssssy entry and all. OKay.
bye
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| here we go again |
[28 Oct 2004|07:49pm] |
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my dad and brother fighting... |
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Its so hard to live when you hate everything about yourself.
Its so hard to live when you can't trust people to keep their views.
Its so hard to live in a word so materilistic and vain.
Its so hard to live right now.
No one understnads me. NO ONE. Sometimes i wish my mom haden't seen the blood on my pillow, and i would have just bleed to death. Who would really miss me for longer than a few weeks, maybe months? What possitave effect have i had on ANYONE in this world? What good have i done? I try to live my life calmly, but everything i say gets over-analized. Everyone puts too much thought in one sentince, or one disordly sentience. Why do people have to judge? What good is anger and resent? What good are my hypocritical entries...just a vent to try and keep myself under control.
I've been having a difficult time lately. I'll find myself in my room, trying to breath, trying hard to keep the tears in my eyes. But its so hard when there's nuthing to look foreward to every moring when i wake up.. so hard to drag myself to a worthless day of worthless 'enucation'. Why is the world like this? Why do people hate? Its just getting so hard. Judy said she thinks my depression is over, but its starting again. Without medication, i don't know how my brain will react to the smallest dissapointments. Insted of a paper cut, small things feel like being decapitated and having my insides splattered onto the wall.
So judge me. Analize my every word. I can't take this anymore. I don't want your help. I don't want your sympathy. This is not asking for forgiveness, or admitting any wrong doing. This is my vent. This is too keep me from goind back over that edge.
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[23 Oct 2004|12:03pm] |
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Better than this- Shortbus |
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So last night i went riding. rode sum new horse that was wicked slow, oh well. had to be wip-happy.
Then i went to the mall and met up with everyone. Saw ben. Saw dan, chilled with him most of the night till effing Lindzy and Amanda came and were like "oo come on dan". That pissed me off. Billy was with this girl i'm friends with, but i don't know her name. That made me sad. Maybe purple's right, i shouldn't ever get my hopes up. But i don't like guys my age, they're so fucking ugly, all of them. So immature too, cause guys mature at a slower rate than girls.
Every man needs to get a little sleep
We all need sanctuary for the trouble on the street
Workin' hard and makin money
But id rather be dreaming underneth the shady tree.
Everytime i have sumthing for someone, they do something totally jackass, or find someone better. I hate being a side-order. I hate always being there when they want me. I hate never saying no.
Tonight im going to the hospital for the sleep study.Woo-hoo, electrodes in my hair, blood pressure things on my finger, oxygen up my nose.
"Well i'd do anything to get a little rest,
I think at night me would be better than this" <3Shortbus
I'm not gunna be able to sleep. Fuck it.
I find myself alone more and more these days. Ashley's awlays with alyse, alyse is madd at me half the time, and calia sure as hell doesn't like me. I'm thinking tessa really doesn't like me. I hate the way people mis-understand me. I dont get mad at people unless i want to kill them. I just get dissapointed, depressed, alone. Anger is a wasted emotion, its pointless. Fruitless. A vanity.
Fuck you anger. Fuck your hate. Fuck your girls and your worlds. Love to the music, to life.
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| do this to make me feel cool |
[16 Oct 2004|09:20am] |
Put it in a comment, and make sure you leave your name
Survey
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
29. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
33. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
34. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
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| birthday |
[13 Oct 2004|03:19pm] |
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Smashing Pumpkins- Everlasting gaze |
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well today is my birthday. purple gave me 12 funkey lip glosses. gotta card from my god-mother, from my mother, and the saddle from my father. Purple and deavon decorated my locker, i felt so cool. This year IS GOING to be better. i know it. Last year, 14, sucked. Everything that could have gone wrong did.
You never know you're at the top of the hill until you feel yourself pulled down
I don't know. I have doubts. People think too much of themselves as one being, when what we are is a collective, all together, like when you see a flock of birds in the sky. People don't see that every word effects them just as much as the one its spoken to.
I've been mello lately. I like it. I just dissconnect and float away. I know someone who says he'll NEVER do drugs. He's the kind of boy who listens when an authortative person speaks, and takes thier words for truth. reapeats ideas as his own, word for word. I look at him worry when he hasen't got his homework done, and i think... What a miserable person. Why can't he be content with himself? I'm the happiest person i know right now. I love the feeling. Even in sorrow im so happy just the be alive. Its like a fairy tale.
Love*kiss*from the birthday-girl
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[11 Oct 2004|11:17am] |
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Slightly Stoopid- If the world were mine |
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yesterday purple and alyse were in a fight partly because of me, so i felt a little shitty, but i know, like all fights at the age of 14, itd be over in a few days. Alyse and i went up to new hampshire. I gotta saddle ^.^. Its a HDR 16.5 inch, (i have a lil but, lol) and i love it. Its like brownish red. It was almost 600$ so i felt cool. We came back here, alyse went home cause she didn't feel good. I sat around, wanted to havce pruple over but that didn't work out. Oh well. We talked on the phone for like 3 hours with dan. I talked to his mom.
Well nothing is really going on, as usuall. Listening to so much dub music. Love it.
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[07 Oct 2004|03:07pm] |
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Dry Your Eyes- The streets, fet.Chris Martin |
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welly welly, i haven't updated in a while cause ive barely had anytime online. Not much has been going on. Went to a show on sunday, purple did good, and caila got a 100 (that's PERFECT) in her i forget what its called class. umm... i wanna go to purpe's lesson tonight, but i dunno. Not much to talk about, cause i haven't been doing anything, oh well. later
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[30 Sep 2004|04:16pm] |
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Well, i don't mean to brag, but my journal is lookin pretty good, thanks to purple. I'm still gunna play around with it tho, cause i think that the text is a little hard to read. It looks pretty cool rainbow ( :
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[25 Sep 2004|11:03pm] |
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okay... friday i didn't do ANYTHING at ALL. and it sucked. This moring purple called, and then i went to the barn with her. we worked all day, and i gave 7 browines horse rides, and trotted them all. it was fun ^.^ .. Tonight im sleeping here, then we're going to melobrooke in the moring and purple's riding mercadies in her FIRST show! wish her luck.. kk.. byebye
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